My wish was to be ‘seen' by my family and the shifts started as I felt truly seen by you all, my constellation family.
I am so grateful for the safe, loving, supported space created and to each one of you for the delightful moments of connection we shared and all that was experienced through the constellations.
When I woke this morning, I felt entirely different, and when I got out of bed I intuitively started shaking my body as we did in the movement meditation, and laughing spontaneously (which I’d found VERY hard on the weekend) and that naturally flowed into a kind of energy dance, which eventually resolved into stillness and when I “asked” what had happened I got the words “soul embodiment” - it truly felt as if my essence had returned to my body.
Then, I read a message from my niece asking if she and her daughter could come over this morning – the first time this has happened in the nine months I have lived close by, despite previous invitations. I could hardly believe it!
And we had a lovely walk together and saw the ducks and played in the play park, bought ice cream…….. it felt like the ripples from the constellation were working their way out into the pond of my extended family.
Some other things have happened which it feels too early to share but it is no exaggeration to say I feel I have been given back my life…… after six years with long episodes of major depression and anxiety when I had no sense of a future for myself, I now feel enlivened, and full of curiosity about the future, whilst remaining fully present to the now…. how great is that!!!!
My thanks to each and every one of you for all that we shared, also to Kit for the delicious and nourishing dishes she created for us, and to Manohar both for his welcome and for driving us safely on the magical mystery tour to the pub on Sunday evening!
This has been a weekend I shall never forget.
Love, hugs and blessings to you all
I am confounded!
There was so much going on in the constellations and the whole weekend was a vast energy centre that I wonder if you recall some of my constellation?
People I have not met before took my constellation away from where I wanted to be and proved so accurate when I started to experience my fears and terrors that I have carried so well and so long.
They described the fire at my families mill in Lancashire - the loss and the consequences.
They mentioned -
Muddled building - a fast expanding business
Deaths - perhaps the people from the village
Nobody could have done anything different
I described my experience of carrying a "bombshell" in my lower stomach.
I have the physical copy of the newspaper report from the Rochdale Times dated August 30th 1890 describing the "Disastrous Fire at Wardle" on the previous Tuesday night / Wednesday morning.
And ...... I could not avoid [it kept leaping out at me] the reports of a "ball of fire ... bursting like a bombshell" in a farm house less than a mile away from the mill.
I attach a precis if you would like to read it. The story of the "fire ball" keeps making itself more prominent and therefore it comes first.
The report of the fire at the mill concludes that a lightening strike [fire ball?] could easily have been the cause of the fire at the mill - started only three hours or so, less than 1 mile from the farm and in the middle of huge and devastating thunder storms.
My grandfather was 10 years old at the time. The mill never recovered and this must have had a devastating effect on the village.
It seems up to that point that everything was fantastic - and then ........ a ball fire ends life as we know it.
I am truly confounded how all this came about and was revealed.
It had been many months since I had attended one of Sarasi’s Family Constellation workshops.
I used to be a regular because I was helping with the organisation, but my day job had become busier and, last June, my mother had a heart attack which meant I needed to spend time with the family.
But now it was time.
I knew I needed an input of energy into my life so I arranged to participate as a representative for the Friday evening and Saturday workshop sessions in January.
I was really looking forward to the weekend when I received a phone call from my father. My mother had been admitted to Yeovil hospital with a severe stroke and I was needed.
I dropped everything and immediately immersed myself in looking after my father, and visiting my Mum who was now clearly dying.
It was very stressful - my father was having immense difficulties with coming to terms with what had happened. I was trying to be there and give practical and emotional support, but Dad was very pedantic and difficult to talk to and I was at my wits end.
The day before the workshop I knew I needed a break. My brother had now arrived and I had to recharge my batteries. So Chris and I decided to go down for the Saturday ‘session’ and we duly arrived at lunch-time, grateful to be in the ‘energy field’ - if only for a few hours.
Since I have been on many Family Constellations it is easy for me to ‘fall’ into the energy of the Knowing Field. However that does not mean that there is any way to predict what will happen.
And you just never know.
At the beginning of the first Constellation it wasn’t so easy. My mind was partly with my dying mother and my father. But half way through I got chosen to represent someone’s lover. A particularly beautiful ‘role’ as it emerged this was more about longing for love than an actual person.
I just fell into the energy of ‘being’ love. This was very special. I was just able to let go – nothing else was there except love.
The third Constellation was something else. I was invited to represent the father of someone who’d had a very tortuous childhood – lacking in love, support and emotion. And one of the primary causes for this lack of love was ‘my’ own inability to be emotional or warm.
As I became familiar with this ‘father’, the energy of the Knowing Field completely took over. It was unfamiliar territory. I didn’t know this person I had become. Slow, boring, emotionless, down trodden, dead inside and totally unable to communicate. And yet at the same time it felt very familiar, very safe, very comfortable. Not pleasant by any means, just comfortable in the numbness.
This Constellation lasted for hours, moving back into the past on the mother’s side, into war time Holland. Throughout it all, I was in this state of numbness and inability to communicate.
When the session came to an end, I didn’t feel ‘complete’ in myself. I felt drained emotionally. In truth it seemed the hardest Constellation I had ever been involved in.
Chris and I agreed that we would go back home that night – an hours car journey away. So we set off. And of course we started talking about our experiences and I said how hard the last session had been.
Suddenly Chris said to me: ‘In the last Constellation you were just like your father has been this week, it could have been him there.’
This blew my mind.
During the whole 3 hours of that session I’d had no sense of identity. I didn’t recognise at all the person I was, nothing from my own life was involved. In fact I almost had no detailed memory of the session at all.
Fast forwards 2 days.
I am back at my parents’ home. Mother is still in hospital dying, Father still needing intensive personal care.
But this time something was different. It started because I found myself slowing down when talking with him. Relaxing more into his pace of things.
And a miracle happened. We started talking, really talking. He told me things about his childhood he had never shared with anyone before. About why he found it difficult relating to people.
Over the 2 days I spent with him – a real meeting happened – a real sense of communication opened.
The last month since the Constellation has remained very intense. 3 weeks ago my mother died and I have spent a lot of time with my dad.
I can’t say it is always easy. Sometimes I get exasperated and tempers fly!
And at the same time – when I remember those few hours when I was this ‘other person’, then I can relax and just be with him.
And my mother… for me, the last days of her life were beautiful. Sitting by her bedside as she was dying all I could think of saying was ‘I love you’’ over and over again.
Even in her semi-conscious state I knew she heard. In those precious moments it was as if I was back in the first Constellation of that weekend.
I was ‘love’ again.