Throughout my adult life I had suffered from many bouts of serious depression. I had spent the last 8 years in therapy and had looked closely at my childhood experiences. While I identified certain difficulties within my nuclear family, my parents had a generally happy marriage and my childhood was stable and uneventful.
I repeatedly found that I had overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and despair that were beyond comprehension. My life consisted of excitedly taking on new projects only to see them fall apart at the first hurdle, when I would plunge into a pit of numb despair. After numerous failures, such as dropping out of university in my early 30's, I began to believe that I was in some way flawed. In close relationships I suffered insecurities and jealousies that drove partners away. There was a strange feeling that abandonment was to be expected and I pushed people to their limits as if to speed the inevitable end.
I heard about Family Constellation work from a close friend who highly recommended Sarasi as a facilitator. I was at a loss as to how I could deal with my difficulties and decided to try a workshop.
My Constellation was about my father’s family. It was a very dramatic and potentially disturbing experience, but I felt perfectly safe observing the story unfold. The resolution left me with the knowledge that I was carrying feelings from traumatic events in my ancestors’ history. Understanding and honouring them seemed to lift the weight from me of having to carry their sufferings. I felt a sense of new possibilities and optimism.
In the following months I felt a lot more able to deal with the frustrations of life without having to run away. The loving connection I had felt with my ancestral family spilled over into how I felt toward my close family and friends.
The next Christmas I visited my dad. I had only seen him a few times since he left 10 years ago and these had been tense visits leaving me feeling sad and unloved. This time, my dad was very pleased to see me and told me that his brother had contacted him - just six weeks after my Constellation. He had not seen him and half-brother in over 40 years as they had parted on bad terms. In the summer he visited them in Australia. The photos of them happily embracing echoed scenes from my Constellation. My dad got out family photos I had never seen which filled in the gaps from when I gave Sarasi details of his family history. I left feeling closer to him than I had since I was a child.
To say I was amazed is putting it mildly. Here, I felt, was proof that the ancestral field existed and that through my attempt to resolve my own difficulties I had set in motion a wave of healing that was spreading out through my dads family.
Having successfully worked through the sadness in my father’s line, I am now a lot less fearful about the direction of my life as I feel supported by my dad’s family, both those living and dead. I know that I can shine a light into the darkness and healing will follow.